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Twisted fate




Chapter 1 – The lack of time

It was a rather nice day at the academy for advanced elemental magic, the trees were blossoming, the bird were singing, everything was in harmony.
Or so it was thought to be, but for two students at this academy, a life changing situation was just bound to happen in way both didn't expected it to be.
And it all started fairly normal on said day...
„And that's it for today's lesson!“, said the professor while looking into his audience of bored student mages which seemed to have fallen either victim to sleep or victim to zombification... it was unclear what the correct answer was.
Among those young mages was someone called Victor, a mage who waited for the holy moment of this lessons end as if it was the liberation of a devastating war... the war of staying focused.
„Jeeez, listening to that bearded man lets even a single second appear like years“, he said while yawning as if he wanted to suck the energy out of the air.
„You should better focus on those lectures or you WILL hear his words for years“, said a feminine voice behind Victor in a lecturing demeanor.
Slightly frowning, he replied with a rather disbelieving farce:„As if Marlene, all he's doing is just reading his lectures out of the same book every other student ha- wait... where's my book?“.
The air was briefly filled with the question and the imminent quest of the missing book of time-spells to which Marlene just let of a slight shelmic smile.
„I don't know, I never saw something like a book ever in your close-range... you probably must be imagining things~“.
„Stop messing around with me, what happened to the book ?“, Victor said confrontingly towards the joyfully laughing girl who suddently pulls out a blue-glowing book out of thin air.
„And voila! Here's le magic book. Isn't it fabulous?“.
Victor took the floating book out of the air and inspected the oddly glow with slight suspicion that something is terribly wrong with it: „Well... it is shiny... soooo, great mistress of bookwormia... why is it glowing blue and... WHY THE HELL CAN'T I OPEN IT?!“.
„Ufufu~ that's your quest and curse to find out“, said Marlene while holding her book like a paper-fan and covering her mouth with it to appear more noble and princess-like.
Victor on the other hand started to get slightly annoyed and desperate at the same time as he made a look onto his chronometer.
„Darn it Marlene! The next lesson begins in 15 minutes and my presentation is inside that book!“.
„Then how about adding some pressure towards it?“, added Marlene while pointing at 12 o'clock on the chronometer.
„I'll give you a quest so listen up tight, get the book up open before 12 and you'll be alright.“
„And if I don't?“, asked Victor who could smell a curse being applied to him.
„You'll find out tonight“, and with those last words of Marlene, a sign appeared Victors right hand, indicating a curse being successfully applied to him.
„You are planning shady things again... *sigh* just like last time when we had a sleepover together and you turned me into a cat.“
„You were fluffy... very fluffy indeed!“, replied Marlene with a slightly childish giggle as she patted Victor on his head.
„I'm looking forward for todays sleep over!“
„Urgh... give me a break and help me solve your quest!“
„Don't want to“
„Marleeeeene!!!“.
And just as Victor wanted to give her a death-stare, she already vanished into thin air, elegantly evading the rage of a wild mage and his seemingly unsolveable quest.
As the flow of time cause the dreaded 12 o'clock to come closer, Victor still hadn't had much luck in fulfilling his forced quest.
„Damn it! This girl is driving me sick with her challenges!“, said Victor enraged while staring at his book which still required a counter-spell.
A brief moment of silence passed through his presence as he then just started to smile slightly.
„But then again... without her, my life would be rather boring and almost emotionless.
She may be annoying sometimes, but she's still the only reason why I'm still continuing going to this school instead of continuing my fathers alchemy shop.“
It didn't take long until the sound of the school clock tower woke up, reminding Victor that it's 12 o'clock now and his quest ending in a fail.
„*sigh*... This quest was certainly unfair to solve“, he muttered below his breath when suddently he felt a tap on his shoulders, surprising him slightly.
„It's not unfair, I just used a time-sealing-spell to stop the time for the book... we just learned it this lesson... well... at least those who were awake learned it.“
And with those words, Marlene gently tapped the book with her hand, followed by a circular pattern and another tap, as suddently the blue glow disappeared, making the book open up easily.
„You just had to reactivate the time for the book, see?“
Victor felt a little bit dumbfolded but also grateful as he could finally take out his homework-paper from his book and deliver it quickly to the front.




Chapter 2 – Encrypted messages

After the lesson ended, Marlene invited Victor for a Picknick at the herbology-houses which he agreed upon and so the both of them made their way towards their destination.
„By the way Marlene...“, said Victor with some thoughts in his head.
„I failed the quest and since evry other quest till now had a penalty for failing them... what will be todays penalty?“
„Ah well~“, Marlene said in a slightly playful voice as she made a devious smile and giggled slightly.
„I've been curious to see you dress up slightly different than your usual self.“
Victor had a premotion that this couldn't be a good sign for him today.
„Dress up differently?“, he thought while his mind gave him scary fantasies of what mkight await him, making him slightly shudder.
„You're being very abstract... you're planning something which I absolutely will find embarassing!“
Marlene just giggled, followed by brushing off some dirt from her skirt and then continuing to look forward.
„That's my hint“, she said with her usual playful voice.
„Huh what? What hint? Huh?“
Victor was very confused from her statement... „Could she mean the wall she's staring at? The wall is empty... just what the hell did she ment as her 'hint' ?“.
As time continued and they had their Picknick, her seemingly useless hints continued.
No matter how much Victor tried her to be more specific, she stayed abstract and hidden with her hints, causing Victor to gets the stranges ideas as to what Marlene could mean.
As time went on, both of them had to return to the final class for today which wasn't very eventful.




Chapter 3 – Pandora's box

At the gate before both went home, Marlene reminded Victor of their sleepover.
„Don't come late ok? “, she said while waving at the distance.
Arriving at home, Victor packed his sleeping stuff alongside some other stuff into his bag, he was ready for today, but his mind still was troubling him with what fate he will be greeted once he's at her room.
„I hope it won't be something too bad“, he said with a slight sigh.
And with those words, he opened the door and went towards his destination where his fate will await him.
At evening, he finally arrived.
For a short moment he hesitated, fearing what awaits him.
„Alright“, he said with an unsure voice in his head,“... I won't be nervous, I won't be nervous... I AM nervous *sigh*“.
He slowly closed in to the door as suddently he saw the door open.
„Ah, my feeling was right that you're waiting in front of the door, welcome Victor!“, Marlene said in a cheery voice as she invited him inside.
„How did you know I wa-“, asked Victor to Marlene as she interrupted him and pointed at the shadow.
„Your shadow at the bottom of the door betrayed you when I was passing by. Now then, you can put your bag inside the living room, I'm sure we'll be having some great fun today!“, she said very happily, Victor on the other side was slightly terrified because he knew that the 'fun'-part she was relating to was the penalty for his failed quest.
As both of them were now in the living room, a slight smile with a giggle overwent Marlenes face as she stared at Victor.
„Well then~“, she said while standing up, „I hope you're ready for your penalty!“.
Victor just gulped with a slight shiver down his spine.
Marlene then just went to another room for a brief moment, just to return with a package of some sort.
„I don't like this already!“, said Victor seeing the package but not its content yet.
„Nah, it'll be fiiiine, trust me!“, she said with a sarcastic tone and a smile.
„You don't sound convincing at all! This can't be a good sign! Absolutely not!“, Victor replied with his heart beating slightly faster and his skin becoming slight goose bumps.
„Alright~ I'll open the package in 3...“, said Marlene while initiating the countdown.
„2...“.
Victors heart raced faster, his focus was sealed onto the package.
„1...“.
His arms were ready to defend anything which could move of fly towards him.
„GO!“, yelled Marlene, causing Victor to jump up and cover his body while focusing on what the content of the package was... but he got surprised very quickly.
„Huh? Wait... noooo... those look like girls clothes! You mistook the package right?“, said Victor with a slightly puzzled face.
Marlene just shaked her head with a smile.
„No, no, this package is the real deal, I'm not joking round“.
Victor could tell by her voice that it was indeed the truth what Marlene was saying.
He just stared at the package with a slight embarassment.
„So...“, he said with slight confusing as Marlene continued his sentence,“let's change your style of clothes!“.
Victor was just yelling no inside his mind as Marlene approached him and started to take of one piece of clothing after another from Victor, causing him to feel ever more embarassed from it.
„Well then, I've made sure that the female clothing are in your size so you shouldn't have any problems at all~“, she said while humming a bit and taking the clothes inside the package.
„W-Wait Marlene!“, said Victor in a slightly stammering voice whe he saw her holding some female clothes and slowly approaching him with a smile signalizing doom.
„C- Can't we do s-something else?“, he said, only to be replied by Marlene being right next to him already, saying in a whispery voice, „are you sure that you want me to choose something else?“.
Victor got the shivers from hearing this answer and just shook his head.
„Fuwaa~ I'm so fired up about it“, said Marlene again in her joyous voice as she now started the procedure by slipping a skirt up Victors legs.
The situation continued for quite a while with Marlenes observing eyes, making judgements about the design and Victor being the victim of wearing more and more female clothes until he was fully dressed in them.
Then silence...
„Uhm Marlene... you had been staring at me for a while now... I'm starting to feel really startled by it... also I feel very humiliated in those clothes“, said Victor while slightly blushing from humiliation while Marlene was just staring at him without even moving at all.
All of a sudden, she started to smile slightly shelmic.




Chapter 4 – Curses of ones own mind

„Hm~ I thought I would have fun seeing you being slightly humiliated...“, she said while closing in to Victor and observing him from a different angle, „...but I hadn't imagined you to look so cute and natural in female clothes... I'm seriously impressed!“.
„Please don't tease me about it! It's humiliating enough to wear female clothes which fit but hearing from you how I even look like a girl makes me seriously wanting to drown in my embarassement!“
After Victor closed his statement, Marlene was just staring at him again, but something was different, she started to get a bit restless.
Her restlessness wasn't unseen by Victors eyes and so he broke the silence by asking, „Uhm... you alright?“.
„Hm? Oh uh n-no, er... I mean YES, yes, all's fine!!“, she replied in a startled voice as she started to blush very rapidly, causing her to get very flustered.
„I.... willbegoingtothebathroomkthxbye!“
„W-What?!“, asked Victor in confusing after seeing her speed up towards the bathroom as if something bad was happening.
„Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh!“, whisphered Marlene in a silent but squeacky voice while falling on her knees and covering her face which was blushing tomato-red.
„My heart's beating so fast! What's going on?!“.
She tried to calm herself down, but every time when she heard Victor saying something behind the doors, she only started to blush even more.
Her body started to feel out of control as her heart was almost racing and ready to burst out of her chest.
„Why am I suddently feeling this way around Victor? I never felt attracted to him or any other boy... why... why is this happening?“.
She risked another look at Victor by opening the door a tiny bit, only to be embraced by Victor still being dressed in female clothes and being indistinguishable from a normal female by looks.
Marlene head couldn't bear it as she felt like it was going to melt if she endulged any longer in seeimg him like this.
„Am I... feeling attracted to females?... but I know Victor's a guy... how? Why? This all makes no sense! Why am I feeling like this towards a female looking Victor?!“.
Time passed with Marlene sitting in the bathroom against the door and Victor from time to time asking if everything's ok with her.
Her head was racing with thoughts, one more complex than the previous ones.
„I know Victor for a long time already... his personality was always something which made me feel very comfortable and joyful with...“.
She pondered futher, what does Victor mean to her, what is different, was is the same.
After some time, a thought struck her like a lightning bolt.
„Could it be that I'm attracted towards a female Victor, namely a Victoria?“.
The fantasies inside her head upon hearing this thought overflowed, her heart almost skipped a beat when suddently racing even faster.
It was at this moment that she started to realize that she made a discovery which will change her life forever, „I'm... a lesbian?“.
„Ok, ok... calm down, I have no evidence that this might even be true...“, she whisphered while sorrowly observing Victor through the keyhole of the door, „... but what if I am one and I fell in love with the female version of Victor?“.
She didn't knew what she should do or even 'what' she should do, her head was spinning in questions and emotions.
„What am I supposed to do when I'm truly a lesbian falling for the female-looking Victor?“.
Thinking about this question made her even confused and slightly afraid of the thoughts she got.
„I don't want this!“, she said while holding her chest tight with one hand and whiping her wet eyes off with her other hand.
It was a dilemma for her, she knew that if she stayed with the normal Victor, she couldn't bear the pain in her chest and would have to leave him forever, on the other side however, she didn't wanted to abandon and bury her affectionate feelings for a female Victor.




Chapter 5 – Sinful to its last drop

„I know I asked this a dozen times already but... you alright? You're startling me with this!“, said Victor behind the doors with a worrying voice.
Suddently, the door opened, followed by a girl inside the door frames with a fake smile, „I'm alright, I just went through a girls thing, nothing to worry“.
Victor just looked puzzled at her, seeing how her eyes are clearly wet and yet seeing in the same face a smile.
„... ok“, said Victor while still having doubts inside his mind.
He knew that she wasn't ok, but he also knew that she wasn't the type of person to lie just because it was uncomfy for her... 'what thoughts could she be hiding... I'll keep a close eye on her', were Victors thoughts while walking together with Marlene to the living room.
As both then finally sat on the couch, an awkward silence was floating between them.
„Come on, you gotta have think about something or else he thinks something's really wrong“, were Marlenes thoughts as she tried to get a clear mind again after that emotional mess in the bathroom.
„Marlene“, said Victor suddently which caused Marlene to jump slightly out of surprise, only giving Victor a weird impression, „...you sure all's right? You're very noticeable with that weird behavior...“.
While she was stuttering and fumbling with her fingers, unable to give a proper response, Victor took the initiative and leaned over to her for a closer interrogation, „Come on, it's not like you to be acting so restless and insecure.“.
Her face started to go pale red as Victor was staring from a close distance into her eyes.
Her heart and mind started to go haywire and her body felt almost paralyzed, she was in a critical state right now.
She needed her own space immedietly or else she was certain that her mind would break from that tension.
„...I …. got a bit... thirsty... wanna drink something too?“, she then asked with nervousness written on her face.
Victor just sighed, knowing that it was an escape-movement, but he had a feeling that it was useless to interrogate her like this, so he accepted.
Almost a split second afterwards, Marlene ran into the kitchen and casted an areal time-stop spell so that she could think this through without any interference.
„Ok... deep breath in... and out“, she said in order to calm herself down, her heart was beating fast, giving her the impression of being slightly squeezed together in an uncomfy way.
„This entire situation is hopeless!“, she then yelled which luckily due to the spell, noone could hear.
„I can never face Victor ever again, those imaginations from him being a female are like a drug which never let me alone.“
She started to walk from one place to another inside the kitchen, thinking about how she can deal with that catastrophe until...
„*sigh*... it would be beyond morally wrong from me to do this“, she said with a weak undertone of fear in her speech, „but I fear that I can't deal with it any other way“.
She then pulled out a book about potions of various kinds and started searching for a specific page, she was focused and nervous about it.
„Not you... not you either... nada... yes... that's it“.
As she red futher the page, taking a list of the ingredients needed, she made a small peak towards Victor who was frozen in time like everything else what's outside the kitchen.
„... I'm deeply sorry Victor... I hope you'll understand“, she said with a sad expression on her face with despair filling her mind when any kind of doubts arrived.
After a moment, the potion was ready and got mixed into the drink she reserved for Victor.
Afterwards, she cancelled the time-spell and went to Victor as if nothing happened.
„Oh, that was fast!“, said Victor upon being surprised by how fast Marlene went out of the kitchen with the two drinks inside her hands.
„Hehe... well... I am full of surprises“, said Marlene with her best imitation of a smile which this time even Victor couldn't recognize as a fake smile.
As she put the drink for Victor in front of him, a final thought passed through her mind, „Am I doing the right thing?“.
Her reasoning was yelling no, but her heart was overfilled with emotions that no reasoning had space to even be close to it.
„Well then, shall we?“, said Victor while holding the drink in his hand, ready to be emptied soon.
After some brief hesitations, she only said one thing... „Yes“.




Chapter 6 – A shift in reality

As soon as Victor started to drink the liquid, Marlene's heart went haywire again with a wave of nervousness, throwing her mind into complete chaos.
She felt a sense of regret for doing this as she observed Victor sipping up the last drop from that liquid.
„Tasty!“, said Victor with a smile as he put the glass by side, „It had a pleasantly  nice cherry flavor!“.
„Y-Yes, I tried my best to make it as tasty as possible!“, said Marlene headlessly by almost mentioning any kind of potion making in it.
„Oh? It's self-made? I didn't knew that you do juices on your own instead of just buying them... you truly surprise me every time!“.
„Y-Yes thehe“, replied Marlene with a sweat-drop of relief that her secret wasn't revealed yet.
Minutes passed between both of them without any changes when during the smalltalk, Victor starts feeling something.
„My body is feeling slightly itchy for a while now“, said Victor which caused Marlene to get a slightly surprised expression on her face.
„Oh?“, said Marlene while havng a closer inspection about the region which Victor described as the most itching places, „That's odd... did you do something which could've caused this?“.
Marlene played her act well, but deep inside her mind, she knew that it was starting.
„Not that I would know off, but my stomache also feels slightly weird... “, was his reply shortly before he started to feel dizzy and slightly disoriented.
His skin started to get goosebumps all over his body, followed by the itchyness of the skin increasing.
Victor was more than confused about his current situation, but then something odd crossed his vision... he could feel a weak invisible force slightly pulling his bodyhair, accompanied by the odd visuals of seeing said bodyhair to disintegrate into thin air.
After a while, the invisible outside force which was weakly pulling started to change directions, now pushing the skin from all sides as if trying to compress it.
The force started to get stronger, squeezing the skin more and more with no way to stop it and if that wasn't good enough, he noticed another feeling, the feeling of his skin tightening.
The sensations spreaded over the entire body, making him feel like he wore some kind of invisible shrinking clothes, but he was unable to do anything against it.
As the compression continued, he noticed that his arms and legs got thinner and thinner with each passing second, followed by an increase in softness and silkyness.
„What's going on?“, were Victors thoughts as he felt an even stronger wave of pressure, squeezing him even tighter everywhere all over his body.
Suddently out of nowhere, his bones started to get softer and deformed by the pressure.
His frame changed and he started to not only to develop a female taille, but also shrink down in size.
His organs started to move inside his body due to the change of shape, but soon too, started to adapt inside with the uncomfy feeling of being compressed.
His face felt pulled into various directions both inside and outside, giving him at some points a female shape.
He felt his adams-apple retract into his throat, followed by a feeling of being strangled as both, his throat and his lungs, had this compressed feeling which started to get weaker with time.
His vocal cords felt tension and slight movement which soon came into action when he had to cough in a higher pitched voice.
„Huh?! My voice!“, he now exclaimed with an ever rising pitch while the tension in the vocal coords continued until suddently stopping, giving him a crystal clear female voice.
The compression all over his body started to get weaker until disappearing too, leaving him with a very distinctivly female body-frame as his bones got solid again.
His skin was now flawlessly smooth, soft and silky up to the point that his now too large clothes has problems staying where they should stay.
But the changes weren't done yet as he now felt another force, this time from within his body pushing outwards where his chest and hips are.
It felt to him as if something got stuffed into his chest and hips without the possibility of it being removed, inflating those regions futher and futher to vontribute to the overall roundness.
When the inflating feeling stopped, he now had a complete female shape in every aspect, he had a decent chest, thin and smooth legs and arms, a nice shaped taille... there was only one thing left when he suddently felt a force pushing from outside and pulling from inside the body at this particular spot.
His mind froze in shock when he realized what is soon going to happen and even as much as he tried to stop it, the invisible forces were just too great to overcome and so his last remnant of his masculinity said goodbye as it now merged with the skin and went negative.
The now ex-Victor or better said Victoria, shock in terror her head when she felt the inside of her lower body being entered by something which felt like a snake, slowly moving deeper and deeper into the body until it reached a certain point at which it just inflated a tiny bit.
Then, there it was.
An electric shock ran through her entire body signalizing that the changes were complete.
Victoria was at the end with her mind, her entire body just felt alien to her, her skin was very sensitive, making her feel even the slightest movement of her too large clothes, her crotch felt weird to her due to the tight-gap she now possesed.




Chapter 7 – A truth uncovered

„Are you... alright?“, asked Marlene with worries, but in reality, she is already starting to hype about how wonderful Victoria turned out to be.
Meanwhile, Victoria when hearing Marlene's voice, snapped out of her chaos inside her mind and just stared at her.
„Why Marlene?! Do you know how embarassing it feels?!“, said Victoria with slight tears in her eyes.
„It feels completely weird and alien!“
Marlene just observed her from different angles, then started to take measurements.
„You are actually pretty close to my size so my clothes should fit you perfectly!“, she said before leaving the room, just to return with some clothes.
„Here, this should at least keep your body covered“
Victoria just frowned with a mix of embarassement, before snapping at Marlene: „Are you listening to me?! I don't want to be a female! I want my old body back, this feels absolutely terrible!“.
But Victoria wasn't given much of a choice due to her clothes nearly falling off of her when she lifted herself from the couch.
When she changed clothes to the more fitting ones, her embarassement grew exponentially, she was not used to the feeling of wearing female clothes and especially not so fitting ones as well as if being made just for her shape of body, adapting naturally to every curve.
„They fit...“, said Victoria with her face almost glowing red and her eyes closed.
Marlene who saw Victoria close her eyes just used the opportunity then to hug her tightly, causing for slight surprises.
„Wha- WHAT are you doing?!“, exclaimed Victoria before seeing Marlenes happy face and hearing her words „I'm happy“.
Marlene then distanced herself again and got into a more serious mood.
„I have something to tell you“, she said while holding her chest with her hand as if wanting to prevent her heart from escaping, „I know this may sound sudden to you... and I'm slightly afraid of saying this myself but... I'm... attracted towards females and... I fell in love with you“
Victoria was just stunned to her this.
„Is she for real?!“, were Victoria's thoughts but the sincere statement and voice of Marlene had let no space for doubts... it was her honest statement.
„B-but how? Why? Why me?“
Marlene just sighed before coming closer to Victoria.
„Because you're the only one who made my life so joyful and I deeply like you for that.“
A brief silence entered the room with both of the staring at each other before Marlene continued.
„I never realized that I felt attracted towards you or to females at all... but when I forced you to crossdress, parts of me suddently felt different, seeing your personality not inside a boys body, but inside a girls one changed everything... I felt like wanting to be closer to you and never let depart from you... the thoughts of letting you return to being male in looks scared me, I could never face you again the way I used to face you.“
Marlene's eyes were filling with tears as Victoria suddently grabbed her and hugged her tightly, whisphering into her ears „it's alright, I liked you for a long time for just who you are“.
Victoria then looked directly into the watery eyes of Marlene and tenderly whipping away a tear on her cheek, saying in a gentle voice „If you're happy with me staying like this, I will stay a female then, I love you and I don't want to hurt you in such a brutal way.“
And with those final words, Victoria went straight to the point of kissing her, causing her to cry with happiness as both of them had united their emotions under the light of the moon shining through the window.
After this eventful day, a lot has happened.
Not only did Victoria get a complete ID-overhaul, causing her existence to be changed her current female self, but also was she now living together with Marlene in the same appartment where they shared their experiences together.
„*sigh*... who came to the idea of giving the girls-uniform a skirt, don't they know how hostile the wind can get?“, was Victorias complaint when a slight breeze lifted her skirt a tiny bit, followed by an embarassed reaction.
Marlene was just giggling as she corrected Victoria's hair.
„You'll get used to this with time, besides, a skirt is quite a blessing during the summer“
Victoria thought about it, but in the end just noded in confirmation.
„Seems plausible, boys weren't allowed to wear shorts so the heat last summer was a brutal pain to endure“.
As both smiled and continued their walks towards the school, they were ready to embrace the future and fate both of them are going to experience from now on.
And with that, the story ends with a bond, forged by ones own hands, reminding that the human love knows no bounds, making even the impossible, possible.
Well... surprise! It's a tg-story! XD
I hope that not too many people got surprised by that but... meh... part of me wanted to know what the reaction would be like~

Anyways, this is a small request I've done for :iconpkangel: 
I feel like I failed miserably wihth this challenge but hey, no risk, no fun!
Any kind of constructive criticism is very welcomed since I do want to improve!
Although this text was analyzed for mistakes, I might have been blind at some spots... please give mistakes their right to exist!

And last but not least, thanks for reading!
I hope you could find something enjoyable in it! :3



Llama Emoji-38 (Confused) [V2] 
Challenges are confusing





I quite enjoyed writing it, but I get a constant feeling like there's something lacking in it/something that could be improved.
Nontheless, I do feel proud to finally upload a tg-story which was quite a challenge as well!
I think I surely would like to write something like that again, I can't improve without making another attempt.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconshinpersonamaster:
ShinPersonaMaster Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2017  Hobbyist Artist
Amazing Story.
Reply
:iconmycaro:
MYCARO Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
omg i love it especially it is yuri and tg :love:
good work :hug:
Reply
:iconkanuto-kun:
Kanuto-kun Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Glad to hear that you like it! (≧▽≦)/
Reply
:iconpkangel:
PKAngel Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
In a completely different matter: what do you think about using this image as "cover page"?
danbooru.donmai.us/posts/23906…
Reply
:iconkanuto-kun:
Kanuto-kun Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
I think it fits perfectly with the end of the story and thus, perfectly fitting as the cover of the story.
Reply
:iconpkangel:
PKAngel Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
^^
Reply
:iconpkangel:
PKAngel Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
This took me more than expected, but here I go.
Mio Akiyama (Exhausted) [V2] 

First than anything else: Thank you! It’s a lovable short story and as expected it is really long (seven chapters, two Word’s page each). It took me a whole week to ready it properly. And I enjoyed it the three times I read it. Truly a beautiful and entertaining work.

Ene (Smile) [V7] 

 

However, let me get into “editor” mode.

Rui Glasses Icon

 

Review:

 

First Impression: Overall it’s an enjoyable story. It has a good balance between descriptions and narrative speed, making it easy to follow the events. And my only question was: Why bothering in divide it into chapters if you were going to publish it in a single entry? However, since I downloaded it, it ended being better in this way.

 

A little deeper: It was a good idea to write your first story (for Deviant) with the classical concept of “male-mage transformed into a girl by a potion”. I enjoyed your sense of humor and also liked the effort you put in the transformation description that occupied the whole sixth chapter. And I found cute how they expressed their love at the end, even if it felt a little too easy how fast Victoria accepted her new self.

 

However, there were things that didn’t make sense. In this case, is the precedent around the transformation: Why is Victor so troubled about being a girl when he was transformed into a cat previously? Especially since, even if he was a bad student, as long as he remains human, he could found someone else to help him turn back into a boy.

 

Also, What was the point of cursing him in the first chapter? The appointed hour arrived and nothing. I really thought that was going to be the reason of his transformation.

 

You need to be careful with those little details. And believe me when I say that those can be a headache, if you are not alert.

 

About technical things: I’m not one to speak, but you have a huge bunch of typos that Word should have detected (making them with red). So I’ll ask: When you wrote this, did you check that your word-processor was configured for English? If it was… Which one? Since I just use American English and that might be the reason for finding so many.

 

But to exemplify one: “suddently” should be “suddenly”.

 

-- Vocabulary --

 

You don’t have a bad usage, but you might consider using a synonyms dictionary.

 

The are a plenty of words you can used instead of “said”: “exclaimed”, “roared”, “mumbled”, “cried”, “yelled”, “uttered”, “babbled”, “spouted”, “shouted”, “stated”, “sentenced”, “whispered”, “muttered”, etc.

 

And the same goes for some adjectives, adverbs and nouns.

 

Also, be careful with languages:

 

Voilà – French for “here” (I didn’t mind it, since it’s extremely common expression).

Taille – French for “waist” (I figured it, because it’s just like “talle” in Spanish, but I still used Google translator to be sure).

Nada – Spanish for “nothing”.

Shelmic – I still have no idea if this word even exist…

 

-- Word Usage and Expressions --

 

Stop, please stop using: “slightly”, “just”, “almost” and any other word that reduces or holds back an idea! It’s as if you are scared of writing/feeling. Those words are there to indicate that something is subtle, yes. But you can’t write as if everything is subtle! Okay?

 

Also, stop the abuse of ellipsis. I know they are good to make pauses, but you can’t pause every single dialog. If you want to make a little stop in the flow, it’s better if you add a “parenthesis”, so to speak. For example:

 

“So you noticed it, didn’t you? Well,” she sighed as she fixed a lock of hair behind her ear, “I’ll have to kill you then.”

 

Remember, ellipsis means “omission” no “long pause”.

 

But I should add that some times three or more points are not ellipsis, but actual LONG pauses. However, you need to be extremely sure about its usage if you don’t want to ruin your text.

 

Then, don’t be presumptuous. You might be doing it unconsciously, but if you abuse of words, that’s how you look like. Simple is better. And the same goes for sentence construction. (By the way, I’m sorry I didn’t find a better line for this example).

 

“What thoughts could she be hiding... I'll keep a close eye on her', were Victors thoughts.

 

“What is she hiding?” Victor thought. “I’ll have to keep an eye on her.”

 

And finally, STOP USING “FEMALE” AND “MALE” FOR EVERY SINGLE GENDER RELATED IDEA!!

 

I know, there are enough cases where those words are “the words”, but in a story you should show some… empathy towards your characters. They are not specimens to be dissected and studied. They are men, women, girls, boys, dudes, chicks, kids, etc. So show then some “love”.

 

-- Quotation Marks --

 

Last point: Are you a native German, Dutch, Albanian, etc. speaker? I ask because of your quotation marks ( „ … ” ).

 

The quotation marks in English are this ( “ … ” ).

 

Also, the rules for quoting go like these:

 

The punctuation mark goes before the quotation when followed by the action of expressing something verbally:

 

“Hello,” he said.

“Stop!” the policeman ordered.

“What?” Stacy asked.

 

Notice that the word right after the closing quotation should be in lowercase unless it is a proper name.

 

You use point, just when the following sentence after the quotation is not related to a verbal expression action.

 

“So it couldn’t be help.” He sighed.

 

Also, if the dialog is interrupted, but the sentence still continues, a coma should be used before the closing quotation mark, so as to “close” the interruption, before reopening the quotation.

 

“I was just,” she cried, “looking for you.”

 

And as you might have noticed, the punctuation marks are always before the closing quotation mark when the dialog it’s at the end of the line/paragraph.

 

So…

 

……

………

 

I think that’s all. XD

 

And at the end: Well, I’ll repeat: It was a delightful story. I truly enjoyed it and I’m sure there are plenty of people that would love to be in Victor’s shoes.

 

By the way, I didn’t say a thing about the moral at the end, so: It was a nice touch, but a little corny. If it was me, I might have take it off, however; I did like it. Good job.

 

And with all that said, thanks again for your effort and excellent job.

 

Until next time! (^-^)

 

P.S. I’ll that I’m not an expert nor a native English speaker, so if I made a mistake, please, pardon me and understand that I wrote this review based on my current knowledge. Also, if there’s a mistake, please tell me which, so I can improve too.

Reply
:iconkanuto-kun:
Kanuto-kun Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist

Whoaaa... too... many... points... @_@

Well, the detailed critique should surely be a bomb at improving so have my greatest gratitude!


And now that mention it... there are indeed some aspects of the story which I hadn't thought through x_x


There is a question however which confuse me more than help.


At the argument about usage of non-english words... why is it considered bad actually?

I've seen it being used in the german literature I read so; that confuses me a bit ^^'

Oh and pardons from my part about the word "shelmic", I mixed it up with the german word, the actual word would be "mischievous".




And here's just some things I want to mention because it had been pinpointed here.


1. Yep, I'm a native german speaker, the program I use does the „ … ” automatically, even if I import it as the original " ... ".

Haven't really found a way yet to avoid it and google isn't helpful on that either <_<


2. I have no working word-prog. XD

I use OpenOffice which is quite different than word ^^'

Luckily however, I found the option (after an hour full of confusing searches) to set the auto-correct language to english XD

(I couldn't trust auto-correct during the story since I didn't knew how to put it to english and non-german words were considered wrong <_<)



Nonetheless, I agree with you to a full degree.

Hard part will be only to get my scientific lingo out of the literature (since we use quite often those "almost" etc. kind of words... nature is rarely perfect in the experiments).

Old habits die hard as they say.

And having an english synonym dictionary would really be helpful because even I found it bothersome to write "said" this often... but didn't knew a fitting substitute for it. ^^'


So again, I thank you with my deepest gratitude for the constructive critique, I'm certain that I'll be able to follow it.

Reply
:iconpkangel:
PKAngel Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2016  Hobbyist Writer

No problem. ^^


About that question... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound so severe.

The truth is that using different languages is perfectly fine. However, I’ll tell you what someone with more experience told about the subject: Think about your reader.

This means that if you are going to use words in different languages, you should be almost sure that your reader is going to understand them.

For example: “taille”, I don’t know French. However, since it is a Romance language, I figured out it was the same as “talle” (waist) in Spanish, instead of “cut”, “size”, “stature” or any other meaning that word has. But imagine you use another word that is written and pronounced completely different between languages: I would have to stop reading and look for a dictionary to figure out what you tried to say.

I’ll accept that Google translator makes things easier, but still… You got the point, don’t you?

And just to satisfy my curiosity: which is the German word that became “shelmic”?

 

And, well, software problems can’t be help. Sorry if I was rude about the subject. But now I’m curious: Are you German or are you from another country that speaks German or…? 

 

About the “auto correct”, you can always use Google translator to see the correct spelling of a word. It’s a headache with complex sentences and even worst with paragraph, but it sure will help with single words.

By the way, could it be that you use “Linux” or “Mac” or Office it’s not part of the basic software each “Windows” has by default there?

 

“Writers write about what they know,” or something like that. It can’t be help if you are used to use that kind of language. But at the end it’s just a matter of practice. Don’t worry. XD

  

And please believe me when I say that I’m not part of a Google Translator campaign, but it sure is a panacea, since it gives you synonyms when you look the translation for a word.

And this other page, might help too: www.wordreference.com/ende/


Now then, lets return to a subject I forgot to ask before:

Your characters, they were adorable. However, even if you said “Academy”, how old were they? If you think about a school uniform, they should be around high school age at least. But then living alone and together, like that it can be inferred that they are older, at university age (I don’t believe they are at a post grad, right?) So what is it? How old are they?

 

Finally, you’re welcome and thanks for your effort, it was indeed a lovely story. ^^

Reply
:iconkanuto-kun:
Kanuto-kun Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist

True, hadn't thought about possible language barriers for the reader.

And yeah, I got the point by now XD


"Shelmic" got derived from the german word "schelmisch" which in the german definition can be translated to "acting like a rogue"

It's quite often used in german literature so that's why I came to that word XD


Yep, I'm German.

But with a slight pinch of polish roots.

PS.: never mix german and polish accents...


Luckily I managed find a way to solve the auto-correct language settings so it now works with english as well.

But now I have the problem that half my english words are british, while the other half is american <_<


I actually do have a windows.

However there are 2 reasons why I use OpenOffice and not Word.

1. My old school had OpenOffice on every PC so I basically had to use it anyway.

2. I have Word starter version which is not only terribly limited, but also needs an eternity till it finally is ready for usage.

And yeah, that's pretty much it.


I'll do my best to use more certain/deterministic words outside of science! XD




...that page... IT'S GOLDEN!! *o*

It really comes in handy with this type of information it can display.

Thank you a lot, I already saved it into the page-panel of my browser!




Glad to hear that my intentions were hitting the spot. :3

Ah, the academy case might have been caused by watching too many Anime which sometimes feature the word "academy" in their high-school name.

As their age I imagined them to be in the typical high-school age and to be living in some kind of dorms.

Again, Anime influenced, don't judge XD

I didn't felt like portraying the characters living with their parents since it felt kinda like an unnecessary roadblock to the story.


I'm happy to hear that you enjoyed the story! ^w^

Reply
:iconpkangel:
PKAngel Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Oh! Now I know a new German word. XD
Thanks.

I'll try to remember that, though I may not even be able to distinguish between German and Russian at this moment. Sorry.

That's good. But I can't help with that last part, since the only word I noticed in that aspect was "towards". The american word is "toward". And if you read my "revision", you might have noticed I used them both... In this way: Towards a person, toward a place. XD

I never look the actual usage of those two until after I upload the files. XD

Well, I thought Open Office was able to read Office files and vice versa.
About that last part... I'm still stuck with office 95, so I don't know.
^^;

Good luck with that.

I'm glad it was of help. ^^

Oh! So they live at some kind of Sakurasou Dorms... Since a more conventional wouldn't allow a member of the opposite gender in, and even less for a sleepover (for obvious reasons).
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